Surviving On Your Own
by Therm
Summary: It's been four months since Hawkeye has returned from Korea but his about to realise just how much people can grow apart. WIP
1. Chapter one

Surviving on your own

Author: Therm (AKA Garbage officer)

Rating: PG 13

Summary: Daniel Pierce's thoughts after his son returns from Korea.

Daniel Pierce looked through the pile of mail that had spilled through the letterbox onto the welcome mat at the foot of the door.

He picked them up, sorting the letters into piles for both himself and his son. It was the usual things, bills, a few letters to Hawkeye from women he'd dated before he'd gone to Korea and who had presumably decided that they were interested in him again.

He placed all the mail for Hawkeye next to the telephone for when he eventually woke up. The last letter he came across caught his eye as he didn't recognize the return to sender address at first. It wasn't until he looked at the name on the reverse of the envelope that the initials BJ Hunnicutt struck a chord within.

It was almost as though a bolt of electricity had shot through his body.

Hawkeye had been back from Korea for nearly 4 months now and had so far done nothing to get his life back in order. Daniel was deeply worried for his son. Whenever he tried to talk to him these days, Hawkeye all but bit his head off. It was in sharp contrast to the reunion they'd had with one another immediately after Hawk's return. They had both been very moved but the tears that had come from Hawkeye were not just from happiness at seeing his father again, but he also seemed to have a sadness that followed him constantly.

Daniel wondered how long it would take someone to cope with the horrors of war. For all the mindless violence Hawkeye had witnessed and the horrifying injuries he'd treated he knew that months were not what the process could be counted in, but years.

He deeply hoped that the letter may cause a reaction in Hawkeye. He couldn't see that it could make things worse. If Hawkeye found BJ Hunnicutt's letter frustrating or annoying at least he'd have those emotions to deal with and maybe it would be a turning point for him. He couldn't see how anything could make the current situation any worse than it already was.

Daniel placed the letter at the top of Hawkeye's pile so it would be the first one he'd see and he went into the kitchen to make a coffee.

Hawkeye's eyes were bleary and he couldn't make out the time on the clock next to his bed. He scrunched his eyes a little tighter and rubbed them vigorously before he attempted it again.

This time he could see the hands clearly. 10.27am. That was pretty good for him as most nights he'd woken several times through the night with awful memories of the war. He hadn't woken up once last night and felt truly rested. He'd still had a terrible nightmare but he had at least settled back down and managed to get through a night without disrupting his father.

He felt awful whenever he woke his dad up with his dreams but they seemed to be easing off a little now. For that he was grateful.

He stretched his limbs trying to pushing the sleep out of his body and a few joints clicked and popped as was normal in the morning. Hawkeye sat up from his wonderfully comfortable bed but found that he still had a damn backache. How was that possible? He'd never found a bed more cozy in his life yet now it was wrecking his back. He didn't think that it would ever recover from the torture the Army cots inflicted on it.

He pulled his body from the bed and let his feet find there way into the slippers that awaited him there. He proceeded to make his way to the bathroom and get ready for the day ahead.

After Hawkeye had showered and taken care of all other morning business he left the bathroom to get dressed. He could already smell breakfast cooking downstairs. He knew his dad would be waiting for him to come down before he'd eat anything but Hawkeye still couldn't find the spirit in his body to rush. He went back into his room and dried himself off with the towel before discarding it in the laundry basket in the corner. He moved over to the chest of drawers and pulled out his underwear and slipped a pair of boxers on.

He then grabbed the first t-shirt and trousers he came across from another set of drawers and got dressed.

As Hawkeye made his way to the bottom on the stairs he could hear his dad scraping the bottom of the saucepan, dishing up his breakfast. He spotted his mail in the normal place but left it for now. He continued on into the kitchen where his father was.

"Morning." Daniel said seeing his son enter sleepily.

"Morning." Hakweye replied as he opened the fridge and poured himself a glass of orange juice. He then sat at the table.

"Good night?" He asked as he placed a plate in front of Hawkeye and then another for himself.

"Not bad. Did I wake you?" Hawkeye asked.

"No, that's what made me ask. I just hoped you hadn't stayed up all night. You don't look like you had much sleep." Daniel observed as he began his breakfast.

"Well I'm sorry. Wars don't look good on me." Hawkeye replied, snappier than he liked to be with his father.

"Hawk, I didn't mean it like that." Daniel replied.

"I know you didn't." Hawkeye responded truthfully.

"Eat up. I didn't make this all for me." Daniel said, changing the subject hoping to avoid more upset. He resumed eating his scrambled eggs. After a few bites he noticed he was still eating alone and looked to see why Hawkeye wasn't joining in. "Is there something wrong?"

"I'm not very hungry." Hawkeye replied.

Daniel let his cutlery drop to his plate his a loud clatter. He sighed heavily. "You never seem to be. You know you have to eat properly, Hawk."

"Look, I'm fine. I'll eat when I damn well feel like it!" Hawkeye said, standing up from the table and leaving the kitchen in a huff.

This wasn't the first time they'd gone through this routine. They'd done it too many times already and it was wearing Daniel down. There always seemed to be something that would set Hawkeye off in the day and as he hardly ever went out anywhere , it was always him that the anger was directed at.

He'd tried to get to the root of the problem many times but he just wouldn't talk about it and he certainly wouldn't talk to strangers about it.

Hawkeye re-entered the room, something in his hand. "What's this?" He asked, still sounding angry.

"What does it look like?" Daniel asked, recognizing it as the letter from BJ Hunnicutt.

Hawkeye gave his dad a dark look. "I told you, I don't want to see these letters! Why can't you understand that? Is it that complicated?" Hawkeye took the letter and threw it in the bin before leaving again.

Daniel felt like he was living with a five year old again, with all the temper tantrums that Hawkeye was having. As frustrating as it was to have to live with them, he also knew that getting angry with Hawkeye about them would do nothing to help the situation. He was, however, seriously considering a more drastic approach to the problem.

TBC?


	2. Chapter two

Chapter two

Daniel finished drying the last plate and placed it back in the cupboard where it came from. Most of the breakfast he'd prepared had been thrown away but that wasn't an odd occurrence these days. He checked the time to see how long Hawkeye had been upstairs. Nearly half an hour, which was plenty of time for him to have calmed down.

Daniel made his way upstairs and knocked on Hawkeye's door. He didn't wait to be called in, he just went straight ahead. He knew how stubborn his son could be and had often used this approach with him. Knock and enter, don't wait to be invited.

Hawkeye was sat on his bed, his head down.

There was a chair in the room tucked under a desk which Daniel pulled out and sat on. He looked at his son for a few minutes. "You're going to have to start talking to me, Hawk. I just don't know what to do any more." Daniel said. Hawkeye remained where he was, not even raising his head. "I know you've been through a lot and I'm sure that I can't ever understand it because I haven't lived it like you have, but that's not to say that I don't understand you. I want to help."

"I don't think you can." Hawkeye said.

"I'm your father, it's all I want to do when I see my son is hurting is to try and help him."

"If it were only that easy. I don't want you to... to be told what type of things I saw out there and then you'll imagine it and try to feel what I felt."

"Hawk, if you can't talk to someone about this, you'll drive yourself crazy."

"And it wouldn't be the first time either." Hawkeye said.

"Please don't be flippant. I waited for so long for my son to come back home and I'm still waiting. I see his body walking through the rooms, I hear his voice but he never really did come back." Daniel moved the chair to be closer to Hawkeye.

"I'm doing the best I can, dad. I really am." Hawkeye looked at his father for the first time since he'd entered the room. "I know I keep pushing you away and I know it hurts you but I can't let you be part of what happened in Korea."

"I only know what you tell me and you don't tell me much." Daniel said. "It hurts not to know what you're going through, Hawk. I want to be part of your life and I can't."

"I know I'm making it hard..."

"Try impossible."

"Look, I just don't want you to... I don't want you to be part of it. It didn't happen to you and it's something that you can't understand. You can say that you do, but you never will." Hawkeye averted his eyes from his dad. He saw the pain etched on his face when he told him that there was a huge part of his life that he couldn't be part of.

There was a silence that filled the room. The kind where even movement seemed to be noisy. Daniel stood up and tucked the chair back under the desk. He slowly and quietly made his way to the door. He didn't look at Hawkeye again as he held the handle and pulled the door half shut on his way out. Before he disappeared completely he said to Hawkeye, "I won't disturb you any more."

TBC.

Author's note: Thanks to my reviewers for the first chapter, esp. anon who's words really moved me.


	3. Chapter three

Chapter three

Daniel Pierce closed the door behind him as he headed into the outside world, leaving Hawkeye behind.

He was frustrated right now and needed to distance himself from his son. The worse thing that could happen right now was for them attempt to speak to one another as tempers were bound to flare.

He didn't plan to go far, just to walk for a while, away from his home and the troubles that it held within it.

He knew that Hawkeye was troubled, in pain right now. But the fact that he wouldn't, and from what he'd said, couldn't let his father into the secrets that were locked in his head, meant that Daniel was at a loss of what to do. It was difficult to be a rock for someone when all they wanted to do was throw themselves against it.

Hawkeye's letters had always talked about the horrors of war but rarely in full. He would usually talk about the people he met, patients and fellow staff members but rarely about what he really dealt with. He could write pages on his feelings about the war, but it was more about the kids that suffered and the Korean people who were left with nothing rather than the suffering that Hawkeye had endured. He would no doubt think that it was a selfish gesture, to remark how hard the war was on him when he saw everyday that the people there had nothing and that given he survived the ordeal, he got to leave the country and return to civilization. How could he possibly complain when he knew that he was lucky to be alive. Daniel wondered how close danger had come to the camp. It never seemed like they were far enough away to be truly safe from any danger. Not to mention that Hawkeye had been sent to the aid stations that wereon the front line.

Pondering over the subject wasn't helping. Daniel had considered the possibility of further action to help his son and now he couldn't think of another way out.

BJ Hunnicutt had written, presumably wanting to talk to his friend. Maybe he was experiencing something similar to Hawkeye and sharing the things that held him trapped in the past meant that he could enjoy his future. It may be a long shot, but it was also the last chance Daniel had of reaching his son.

* * *

After his dad had left Hawkeye had remained where he was, sitting on the bed. He hardly dared to move like he would break the stillness that was all that shared the room with him now. He felt low. He knew he'd hurt his dad's feeling's but he couldn't quite find it in himself to call out and prevent him from leaving. With every harsh word that he spoke and directed with force at his dad, he wanted him to know that was how he felt, even if he didn't understand quite why he felt it.

Maybe things that happened at the end of the war had affected him more than he realized. He had noticed his own struggles in returning to the O.R and in his dealings with young children but that was to be expected. But what more could he have to contend with from the experience? He had initially questioned his skills as a surgeon. The fear he'd felt the first time he returned to operate could never be felt by anyone else. All these doubts had manifested from him. He'd denied that he'd felt these things before, but to himself he could at least admit that he had been insecure about many things in his life, just never surgery before. He felt a terror that couldn't really be explained whenever he felt a relationship was developing into an emotional attachment. He panicked with a truly deep fear about commitment. It wasn't the thought of being with one person forever that frightened him, it was what would be left of him if he suffered the same fate as his father. His dad was a lot stronger than he was. He'd managed to cope, Hawkeye wouldn't.

A noise from downstairs alerted Hawkeyeand he moved over to the window, recognizing the sound to be the front door being closed. He watched his father as he slowly walked away from the house, deep in thought from the looks of him. He stayed at the window and watched as the man slowly ambled away. Once he was out of sight, a thought that had previously occurred to Hawkeye returned. It was something he'd thought of doing a while back, during another stage in his rocky return from Korea. He'd dismissed it as being a rash idea and ultimately hurtful to his father. But seeing him dejectedly walking away, having to physically leave his own home because of his frustrations made Hawkeye more determined that it was the right thing to do.

TBC


End file.
